Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
