they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
