careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
