he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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