My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
