where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
