You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You took a bar mat shot.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
