she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
