I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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