I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
