I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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