Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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