Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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