You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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