Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So many bounce houses so little time
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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