I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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