i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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