I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
