PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
