My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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