put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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