My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
