I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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