you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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