The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
