Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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