My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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