The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
