Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
we're making bets on your personal life
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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