what day is it and did you see me today?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
