I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
