Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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