who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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