this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
