Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
