Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
