Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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