My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
