1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
