Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
