That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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