i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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