I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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