Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
