Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
