sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
