I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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