If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
