well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
