just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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