it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
