I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
