It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I came so hard my ears popped.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
