Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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