never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
