I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
