I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This is the high leading the old right now
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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