So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
