You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
