Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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