Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
